I want to jot down the words from my most recent entry from my personal journal because it seems to sum up the entirety of what I am internally going through here in Rome. It's turning out to be more than I thought it would. At first, coming to Rome was a one month vacation before a semester in London and a chance to get to know some of my mom's side better. What it's turned into is an opportunity of countless and new ways to discover who I am. It's funny because I thought I knew who I was before all this, but yet, being here has caused me to realize that there are so many more aspects to the person that I am - aspects that I had not yet touched upon. So this entry may be a little different. It's not exactly the travel blog aesthetic that I usually write... It may be a little more personal. If you all don't mind, I'd like to let you into that world.
07 August 2008 "A Mid-Mid Life Evaluation"
Being here in Rome has really given me so many opportunities to think, reflect, and discover. Most of my train of thought has been filtering through the channel that is, "Life's Direction". When I really think about it, I realize just how blessed a life it is that I lead. Yesterday, on the bus, coming back from The Vatican and Pantheon, my cousin Jay told me that out of all my cousins on my mom's side, I was the luckiest. And this really got me thinking because it was a familiar statement. I've always been told, by both sides of my family that I'm doing big things, and that It's good that I'm taking advantages of all the opportunites being given to me. For that I could thank my dad, simply because he raised me thinking that I should never let opportunities pass me by... That I should always go for them, no matter if they work out or not. Well, to refer back to the statement, I wouldn't call it lucky. Rather, I would call it truly being blessed because it really does exemplify the love of God at work. At least for my life, I see how putting God above all else, or at least trying to... How easily He directs your path, and makes them successful... Despite let downs in life, He gets you to where you need to be, at the right time. I see how loving God with all of your heart will indeed supply all your needs, not just spiritually either. And all this I'm finidng more and more evident the more I evaluate my place in this world, and my own life. I'm thinking... why am I doing what I'm doing. How crazy does my life sound right now... I've been abroad for 5 weeks, I've got an internship with THE TRAVEL CHANNEL lined up. I get to see and travel and expirience... All before I'm 20. And it's scary, but thrilling... And I just wonder "Why God? Why me?" It makes me wonder exactly what kind of plan it is God has for my life. I'm looking back at my childhood, and I see that I was always doing something - getting involved somehow... Always aspiring and having some kind of drive towards something. And it seems that that has carried itself throughout my life so far. I've always been told that God had something big for my life, and it's kind of crazy because I feel like it is actually starting NOW. I just pray that I'm ready for it. I knew that this year, 2008, God was going to launch me into the next chapter of my life... It seems like He really has. And now that it's all happening, I give God all glory for these blessings. Perhaps understanding the context of my own life, and my expiriences as a young Filipino-American woman are my testimony... I don't have to second guess it anymore, because there is inspiration here.
With all that said, I feel like my life is unraveling here - in a good way. For the first time in my life, I've had to come to terms with the dualities in my own nationalities, and trying hard to explain that to a 16 year old cousin whose level of thinking at the point of ignorance, and trying not to be so sensitive to his hard comments. Although, he is a great person. It accentuates the opportunities to cultivate more patience and love in my life. My cousin tells me I'm not an American, that I shouldn't cheer for the US team duing the Olympics... And to tell you the truth, if it weren't for me coming half way across the world, I probably would never have the revelation and appreication for both nationalities that I do now. I've always known I was Filipino, duh. I've also always known that my parents did raise me in the exact tradtional Filipino household. I grew up in the US, and the American culture became my familiar ground. And I thought I was okay with that. And I spend almost 20 years like that, and I get to Rome, and it's like, whoah. There's so much I don't know about the Philippines. My sense of Filipino history does not go past WWII and McArthur, and unless the US was involved, I didn't know. I find that quite embarassing when my couisns ask me why I dond't this or that. It's like I'm not Filipino. But who can really blame me? I went to school under American education. And honestly, I thank my cousin for the scrutiny because now I have more of a drive and passion to learn more of my own Filipino culture than I knew before. I'm speaking more in Ilocano than I ever have been and it feels great to utilize my bilingual-ness. I want to learn Tagalog, I want to continue catching up with Filipino pop culture thanks to TFC (The Filipino Channel), and all that good stuff. But at the same, I am an American, and I appreciate ever single blessing that I have had because of this nationality. My whole life is invested in this country and I don't second guess any of that. I love being an American, and I love being a Filipino. And so thankful to be fully exposed to both. So thank you Rome, of all places, and thank you to my cousin, who I do truly love... But thank you for presenting to me the chance to pay more attention the dualities of who I am.
To say the least, it's been tremendously pleasant to be "meeting" other cousins and family members here in Italy. It's amazing that where I thought my family boundaries ended... It doesn't. I have family throughout the world, and that's a crazy thought, again. Too much thinking for me these days though, so I'll stop here.
With love from Rome, and a special thanks for reading this one,
Carla
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