Learning life and accepting my shortcomings...

Life is a complicated journey. That's why we need a solid foundation to continually fall back on. I've been in London a little over a week, and I find it outstanding how immediately God can completely throw your world around. 19 years old and 19 days shy of turning 20... Through the years, I have come to realize that I am very much an independent person. I mean really, who in their right mind decides that they want to do a Summer Program in Greece by them self? Not knowing anyone but willing to go anyways. Then decides that they want to go to Italy to visit family they haven't seen in God knows how long, again by them self. Then after that, come to London by them self, and be a art of an Internship/Study Abroad program in which they know no one. A completely new school and new location. Everyone says its a brave thing... But I see how the only thing that keeps me unafraid is knowing that I really am not by myself. And I thank God that I know without a doubt that He is right here with me. And along with that come many many lessons and experiences... My life as of late, has been thrown completely upside down - like, my whole mentality is being transformed a bit... I have also come to realize that in my own independence, I have enabled a haze of fog to eclipse my view of life which has resulted in the somewhat naive lens to which I look through. But that's changing and causing me to learn and re-learn my own life and approaches to it. To acknowledge my own biases, and to tear down some barriers that I have placed upon myself. God calls us to love, and I have finally realized how much I have limited myself when it comes to loving.

In Greece and Italy, I felt that God taught me love by seeing the shortcomings of others, and realizing those same faults in my own life. Patience. A certain someone in Greece tested that continuously in my own life. And it was seeing how irritating it could be to complain all the time that caused me to look at my own life and see how much I complain... How much I failed at compromise, and how bratty it was for me to always have things work out for me. By that always being blatantly in my face, God showed me directly what I needed to work on. At the same time, it cultivated love for the one person that irritated me and everyone else. That despite that frustration, there was a place in me that knew that this one person is also the love of Christ's life. And that did it... I set myself aside and loved... And it stretched me, but it also grew me. In Italy, I was surrounded in a setting completely opposite to the home I grew up in. And not to go too much into it, but I've seen that even in having my buttons pushed all the time, and in that irritation, how one act of love and patience can change one's life. By being tangibly exposed to my own faults, I've learned how it needs to be worked on... All at the same time that love begins to resonate more and more into my life.

So now in my short time in London, there has been tons of new experiences. I've realized the wall that I've put up. This is the wall that has caused me to be so judgmental without even knowing it. It's the wall that has limited how much I do love by cutting off the very people that need it to hear it. It's the wall that has made so many awkward situations. But God is tearing it down. And I'm not saying that you need to try everything to be able to relate, but from what happened here... I've realized on a whole other level, how much my own naivety and even pride has hurt and fragmented me from loving people. Step outside that Christian bubble a bit and it is one of the most life changing things ever. Not in the sense that I have given up all my values, but that these values are being put into practice and opening up doors of conversation to bring in God's love without a deprecating eye. And that in itself, is what we should be doing. So don't super holy, because all of us judge without even knowing it. And I'm so glad that I've caught that and am dealing with it... Making it better, being open, and seeing how God uses it. I can't quite explain this past week... I just know that there are things that I have kind of upheld for myself that are being tested and shaped, pruned and polished. It's left me in confusion, but on a continuous search for God. And I think it's a good thing to not be so solid about everything... Because then, there is more room for Him.

I feel like everything I have learned has been about me growing and maturing... I kind of feel like its selfish. But then I realize that, if I'm not addressing these then things, how is God going to use me to bless others? Acknowledging my own issues has opened doors for me to talk to people around me... and maybe that's why it's like this.

Anyways, London.... still amazing! What can I say?

With love from this rainy city,
Carla